The perfectionist mindset; a lesson from a selfie picture

Like most of us Venus women my life is very busy and I sometimes feel I’m running on empty. A couple of weeks ago I had a busy crazy day away from home. When I got home I made Randy laugh so hard at how silly I am:

I showed him the cute selfies on my phone (not me it’s the T-shirts that are cute). I pointed out look at this and that with my arms and shape.  He was very perplexed. He said “Why do you tell me and show me the selfie? I am looking at you for real, the most beautiful woman I know, right there as you hold the phone!!”

 

 

I pondered that. Most of us women don’t view ourselves as others do. Even after we reach our goals. It’s been three years since I reached my goal and my mind still hasn’t caught up. I seemed to spend most of last year attempting to feel good about myself and my body and all I could see were my own flaws.  It makes me sad that I wasted so much happiness doing that.  I want to stop doing that.

We ALL have to work on self image issues for life (especially all of us girls). I used to not like selfies much but now I see some value in them as long as they are not the same thing over and over.

As we reach our goals we tend to move the bar, which is not such a bad thing. But we move from a big picture view and narrow down with a microscope view and nit pic ourselves to death.

 

We all think “we will be happy when…”

We all have this thought that “If I could only get to such and such a size, or weight, or whatever measurement you choose, I will be happy“. But the reality is that when you get there the internal issues are still there.

I have found that the internal issues are intensified and “right in your face” because all of the relationships around you change as your physical appearance changes.

 

Start building your emotional stronghold

People become jealous and mean (even if they don’t mean to be) the more successful you become. They won’t consider your feelings even when they take “righteous actions” that would obviously hurt anyone in your place. It really doesn’t really matter why people do it.  Sometimes they don’t even know they are doing it, or they don’t know why they do it. Sometimes it is intentional and you will never know why because you are not them. It will happen and it does hurt.  Your insecurities intensify.  Then you need to learn to build an emotional stronghold.

Sometimes you reach a point where you have to work on internal things that you may have put off for a long time. It becomes a matter of emotional survival. I’ve had some real breakthroughs in this area recently and it’s such freedom. Especially when you realize people who you thought were your friends are not really your friends, and they never were.  Once you realize that, then you know that you have nothing to lose. There is freedom in knowing that since you have nothing to lose, you don’t have to let them hold you back. Nothing they think, say, or do matters anymore. That is tremendous freedom for yourself right there.

Since you are successful, and you are becoming even more successful, you don’t have time for negative and mean people to matter. Brush them off and focus on something positive, like helping out a friend who really does want your help.

 

Here’s what John has to say about the perfectionist mindset:

Weight loss isn’t easy, if it were nobody would have a weight problem. The process takes work, discipline and dedication which is hard enough on it’s own…but if you also beat yourself up during the process it’s almost impossible.

We all struggle with our body image and our appraisal of ourselves on a daily basis, and in most cases (and especially with women) you are usually your own worst and unforgiving critic.

Through all the interviews I’ve done and clients I have coached I have learned that women are typically the hardest on themselves when it comes to evaluating their body and their progress in weight loss.

If you lose 1 pound this week it’s not good enough because the goal was 2 pounds. If you lose 2 pounds it’s not good enough because your thighs still don’t quite look the way you want them too. If you made improvements in your arms and butt you start focusing on your stomach instead.

This self criticism has to be put in check for your own sake. You are much more than the sum of your parts or the most recent diet success or failure.

Taking a broader view of who you are and appreciating where you came from and where you’re going will help reduce the volume of your inner self critic.

Quieting that inner critic is easier said than done and I’m not an expert at it…I get help from a secret weapon…that secret weapon is my therapist Dr. Nicola Bird.

I don’t really know how to describe her besides that she is amazing and her techniques work!

I do a regular podcast with her about the mental and emotional game of weight loss and you can listen to the podcast we did on quieting your inner self critic here:

Listen to Podcast here ==> Quieting Your Inner Self Critic

You can check out more of our podcasts on the site or subscribe to the Venus index podcast on iTunes.

John

P.S. Dr. Bird is a regular contributor to the Venus community and you can look forward to hearing more from her in the future.

She also has a program specifically designed to eliminate emotional eating, you can check it out here: ==> Dr Birds Program for Emotional Eating <==

 

Start working on internal issues now and keep at it for life

So the main point:  Start working on your internal issues and your self image issues NOW, because they don’t go away when you reach your fitness and fat loss goals.  In fact, those issues become intensified after you reach your goals.  They intensify more as you become successful in all aspects of your life.

There is a fine line between knowing you have a problem that needs to be fixed VS disparaging yourself for it. Humor is good of course, and it’s good to laugh at how silly we are, while at the same time not damaging our own self esteem.

Here’s a poster I really love for when you are taking corrective action to fix the health problem of being over weight:

 

There is a before and after picture of me in a costume that John liked for an article.  When I first lost all my 85 pounds I used to laugh at the before picture and my husband Randy got really mad and scolded me.  He said “You were always my lovely wife, even then.  I’m glad you are happy now that you’ve lost weight, but don’t ever disparage yourself like that again!”

He was right.  It makes me happy that he loves me so much.  It was a great reminder to me that I need to continue to work on my own self esteem, probably until the end of my days here on earth.

 

Here are a couple of helpful podcasts on this subject with Dr. Nicola Bird:

 

Ask Nicola; Perfectionist Mindset

Ask Nicola; Learn to Love Your Body

 

When you let your self esteem fall in the trash can like I do;

• You can choose to pick it back up
• Listen to some of Dr. Nicola podcasts
• Do other activities which help your mindset and self esteem
• Switch your mind immediately to positive things
• Stay only in the positive, so that means no gossiping about the mean girls in your life!
• When you let self esteem get you off track with diet or exercise here are some tips to get motivated to get back on track.

We  all have these seasons of getting off track with our mindset, with workouts, and with nutrition.  Sometimes we have to make an effort to get back on track, and we do this for life.  Since we are merely human it won’t be the last time we have to do it. We do get better at it as we practice, just like everything else we do.

 

Have a great weekend, it’s full of opportunity to make good choices.

– Coach Roberta  

(You can find me in the online community.)